(Ended up being much longer than I had planned but then again....it isn't my plan that counts)
So I was going to do this post on Tuesday and for whatever reason I didn't....then come Wednesday I was like oohhh I have so much more I can add....now today...I am like crud! I should have done it because today was definitely different!
So I will start off by saying and not happily I might add...on May 21, 2013 I weighed 173.4 lbs. THERE I said! And it's scary. To put your self out there like that....you know others are going to judge but whatever....It is what it and only I can change it. By putting it out there I am holding myself accountable to it. That number WILL change. But not because the number is what is important but because how I feel about myself is important.
I hate myself....there I said that too. I don't like the person I have let myself become. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of looking in the mirror and being disgusted. And not just because of my body but because I am not being who I am. I have this ridiculous idea that everyone needs to be happy. You know what that does?? Makes me unhappy! Because I have not been taking care of myself and my wants and needs....I still can't believe I am typing this ...smh....Don't get me wrong. I Love LOVE my kids, husband, my pets. But I need to learn to love myself. I am a good person who would do anything for anyone who needs it. I truly want others to be happy. I want others to succeed. I have always tried to take everything on myself so others don't have to. Like my DH (dear hubby), he works a lot of hours and has a stressful job...I stay at home and work my Scentsy business ......he shouldn't have to worry about things ....BUT I have shouldn't worry about everything. We are suppose to be partners and that means the worry and business of raising a family too. I don't feel like a control freak but it is hard to let go of that stuff. Why?!
I need to be able to get up and feel good about myself and what I am doing. It WILL happen!
Tuesday I took charge...by accident mind you but I did. I took MO (my oldest) to driver's ed...ugh I am getting old ....I had to be up at 8 am ...so not a morning person....so I figured I would do something constructive with my time....I got on the treadmill and did a 30 minute work out. We have a Gold's Gym treadmill...it has set workout routines that change the speed and incline for you....It KICKED my butt.
But I didn't quit. I did it! I was so excited that I did it and didn't quit or cheat and step off to the side - It felt amazing!
Wednesday - I did it again! Took him to drivers ed...got on the treadmill and just went after it :) I was happy. This probably sounds crazy but it seemed easier...which made me even more determined! I am so proud of myself for doing it another day.
Moving forward to today...ugh...what was I thinking! For whatever reason I was not a nice person yesterday. Not intentionally but my body/mind was so stressed that I snapped at everyone...I don't like myself when I act like that...makes me feel childish. I decided to have a rum and coke. Just one - nothing more. I am sure regretted it this morning. Took MC (middle child) to weight room for summer workouts....I love that this football program does this...time to get on the treadmill! Yeah no...so many times I wanted to quit...lower the incline...change the speed...
I just had to remind myself that I was only hurting myself, only cheating myself and that NO ONE else could do what I needed to do. I wasn't even half way at one point when I wanted to give up...that is sad. But I kept going, kept pushing through and finished! I FINISHED! My legs are sore and I LOVE IT!
Don't let me give up! I need help and I know it. I am avoiding the scale and some clothes until the 21st of June...My goal is to lose 10 lbs by then....Hold me to IT!