Thursday, May 30, 2013

There I said it!

(Ended up being much longer than I had planned but then isn't my plan that counts)

So I was going to do this post on Tuesday and for whatever reason I didn't....then come Wednesday I was like oohhh I have so much more I can today...I am like crud! I should have done it because today was definitely different!

So I will start off by saying and not happily I might add...on May 21, 2013 I weighed 173.4 lbs. THERE I said! And it's scary. To put your self out there like know others are going to judge but whatever....It is what it and only I can change it.  By putting it out there I am holding myself accountable to it. That number WILL change. But not because the number is what is important but because how I feel about myself is important.

I hate myself....there I said that too. I don't like the person I have let myself become. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of looking in the mirror and being disgusted. And not just because of my body but because I am not being who I am. I have this ridiculous idea that everyone needs to be happy. You know what that does?? Makes me unhappy! Because I have not been taking care of myself and my wants and needs....I still can't believe I am typing this ...smh....Don't get me wrong. I Love LOVE my kids, husband, my pets. But I need to learn to love myself. I am a good person who would do anything for anyone who needs it. I truly want others to be happy. I want others to succeed. I have always tried to take everything on myself so others don't have to. Like my DH (dear hubby), he works a lot of hours and has a stressful job...I stay at home and work my Scentsy business ......he shouldn't have to worry about things ....BUT I have shouldn't worry about everything. We are suppose to be partners and that means the worry and business of raising a family too. I don't feel like a control freak but it is hard to let go of that stuff. Why?!

I need to be able to get up and feel good about myself and what I am doing. It WILL happen!

Tuesday I took accident mind you but I did. I took MO (my oldest) to driver's ed...ugh I am getting old ....I had to be up at 8 am not a morning I figured I would do something constructive with my time....I got on the treadmill and did a 30 minute work out. We have a Gold's Gym has set workout routines that change the speed and incline for you....It KICKED my butt.

But I didn't quit. I did it! I was so excited that I did it and didn't quit or cheat and step off to the side - It felt amazing!

Wednesday - I did it again! Took him to drivers on the treadmill and just went after it :) I was happy. This probably sounds crazy but it seemed easier...which made me even more determined! I am so proud of myself for doing it another day.

Moving forward to today...ugh...what was I thinking! For whatever reason I was not a nice person yesterday. Not intentionally but my body/mind was so stressed that I snapped at everyone...I don't like myself when I act like that...makes me feel childish. I decided to have a rum and coke. Just one - nothing more. I am sure regretted it this morning. Took MC (middle child) to weight room for summer workouts....I love that this football program does this...time to get on the treadmill! Yeah many times I wanted to quit...lower the incline...change the speed...

I just had to remind myself that I was only hurting myself, only cheating myself and that NO ONE else could do what I needed to do. I wasn't even half way at one point when I wanted to give up...that is sad. But I kept going, kept pushing through and finished! I FINISHED!  My legs are sore and I LOVE IT!

Don't let me give up! I need help and I know it. I am avoiding the scale and some clothes until the 21st of June...My goal is to lose 10 lbs by then....Hold me to IT!

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